C for Cherophobia, my comeuppance ( Fear of Happiness )

To tell you the truth, I didn’t know this term existed.

But I guess humans do have a talent at giving everything its name, we’re the creatures who are compelled to name anything and everything, and so I didn’t find weird that cherophobia was an actual word.

It’s rather close to what I’ve been living through, though not quite what I’m looking for.

I’m talking about constant alertness from all that’s been around me, I’m talking about the fear of unknown, fear that I’d defy Fate or God or whatever you call it if I wanted to be a better version of myself, to stand up for myself.

So I’d be there, checking that I’m always miserable and unhappy, that I don’t change those default parameters. I feel like I’d get a fate worse than smite if I did that.

And so, I’ve been living so far, chaining my legs too heavy burdens, sewing my mouth and cutting my tongue, and all that to please Him.

But it’s fine, I got accustomed to this poison circulating in my veins. I got used to that vacant stare I always put on. I got used to their avoidance, their mockery, their pity sometimes. It’s fine because I can’t see them. There is a fog blocking my vision, both inside and outside and it’s suffocating me. I’m dying.

I couldn’t ask for help, I couldn’t scream, I could only weep myself silently because He watches me.

And yet, here I’m, surprisingly alive.

And I’m yet to know what’s that power that kept me going until now. Is it hope? Is it love? What is it?

And I realized that I’ve been denied so much of that beauty that is life. I’ve been denied joy, laughter, blitheness for no reason. I should be happier, more grateful, I should be laughing more.

I should be living.

So I turned renegade on Him. I’ve decided to take my fate in hand. I’ll be cheerful, I will deny this vast world my tears and give it all my smiles, I’ll do better. I’ll live.

And the fog got dispersed a little and I saw Him. He was me.

I denied myself all of that, and I’ll take it back now.

I defeated my darkness, I emerged from the swamps of guilt, I was reborn.

I’ll be victorious, I’ll rebuild my shattered self-esteem and establish my pride, and maybe along the way, I’ll name that thing that haunted me.